The Waiting Game

I realized this morning that I've never really written about this critical element of the struggle to conceive...waiting. I took my last injection last Friday morning. All in all, they weren't too bad; and like I've mentioned elsewhere, I did feel much better, so that made it worth it. The unfortunate thing is that the medicine can lengthen the post-peak phase. In other words, it can make the waiting longer. Ugh. You also can't take a home pregnancy test and instead have to wait a little longer and go for a blood test. Waiting, waiting, waiting. That's the name of the game. So, we wait.

The waiting is where the torture part comes in. A woman's mind can be a terrible place...imagining all of the possible outcomes, clinging to the ones she hopes will come true despite whatever signs may point in the opposite direction. That constant question..."Do I/you feel pregnant?" Well, I have no earthly idea what that might feel like, so how the heck am I supposed to answer that? I can read all of the supposed "symptoms" of pregnancy, but then you hear, "but everyone is different." So, really, there isn't any way to know, except that I would imagine that when I am, I will know. People will also say not to focus so much on it, but in the same way people train for careers as doctors and lawyers and accountants, I've trained for this. Motherhood is the only career I've ever aspired to...well, that and being a wife.... I just want to know when graduation is and I can finally start the job.

What's for Dinner?

My mom was a master meal-planner when we were growing up. After I got married, I remember my parents mentioning that my dad got paid once a month when they were first married, so my mom didn't have any choice but to plan ahead. She did one big shopping trip once a month, filling in with the necessary milk run in between. When I was a kid, my mom had all of our meals planned out; I want to say a month at a time, but that might be an exaggeration. Point is, she had it all written down. Every dinner was accounted for.

I've always known the value of having a plan. For the past two years my meal planning has been taking place primarily in my head. Last Sunday, however, I actually sat down and wrote out a plan. Thanks to the beginning of football season, I now have a guaranteed three hours to sit and plan on Sundays. So, I looked through cookbooks and, with the help of an awesome magnetized "What's for Dinner" notepad I found in the dollar bin at Michael's, I made my very first real meal plan.

What a difference it made to have it all written out! I had no idea. I knew it was important and would help, but this was downright life changing. I can't tell you how many meals out we avoided by this simple written plan. It also helped me be more flexible. When I made my husband salmon and potatoes on Wednesday but cut one more potato than I needed, I was able to cook it up and make the potato salad that, though originally on the menu sometime the next week, was moved to the next night. After moving that dinner to Thursday night, I was able to make the potato salad and the cucumber salad for Thursday night on Wednesday, knowing I would have to work late Thursday night. My darling husband was then able to cook up the chicken and we ate when I got home. Without a plan, I would have been begging to go out and then a.) angry we spent the money to do so, or b.) bitter that we couldn't afford to and I had to whip up some crummy last minute dinner. Three cheers for sanity!!!

Now if I could only get motivated to sit down and make that financial plan that we so need!

Mutant

My husband and I watched one of the X-Men movies on TV last week. I hadn't seen any of them before and I sort of watched this one while doing odds and ends around the house. My husband is a fan of the Catholic mutant...the one who prays the rosary throughout the film; it was an interesting take and a pretty positive portrayal of religion, so that was good. I had trouble getting over the fact that it was "Bloody Sean Walsh" from Circle of Friends. But I like Colin Firth now (for those of you who haven't seen Circle of Friends he was a JERK in that film), so I suppose I can get past seeing Alan Cumming as a creep and find the Nightcrawler endearing...though the name gives me pause.

I contemplated the movie after it was over and realized that I feel like a mutant. My body doesn't work the way it is supposed to. I think of all of the people who can say that and know that I'm lucky. For the most part my body is fine. I'm fairly healthy etc. etc. But I still feel like a mutant. Women are supposed to bear children; that's one of the main points of most of the stuff we've been given, at least all the things that make us women. So it's frustrating. I wallowed in that self-pitying mutant image for a bit. It feels so dramatic to consider myself a mutant. Ridiculous, I know. There's no accounting for feelings. Or rationality.

Speaking of rational...I started my hormone injections on Saturday. I have to admit, I feel a bit calmer, and more rational. That feels nice. More and more, though, I am coming to believe that stress is my biggest problem. I think that if I wasn't so stressed, if certain specific factors in my life were altered (i.e. quitting my job) then my hormones would fall back into line and do what they're supposed to do. But I'm scared to up and quit...even though I imagine walking out every day. Change is due, and soon. Somethings gotta give.