I am so NOT a shopper. My son very uncharacteristically fell asleep in his stroller (read: for the first time ever) while we were at the mall. At first I was panicked. I had a proofreading gig I had planned to work on while he napped. This wasn't in the plan at all! Finally it dawned on me that his was not a problem, but rather an opportunity...to shop in peace for the first time in over a year. And I even had gift cards to spend! So, I finished up my business at Target and headed over to Macy's, where I had $75 free money to spend (well, free to me). I had already decided, though that I'm a terrible shopper; not to be trusted in picking out things I'd like once I got them home. I've been pondering asking a friend or friends for help, but I hate to drag someone else shopping with me, to buy stuff for myself. Maybe it is my indecisiveness that gives me pause; I'd hate to waste their time and come away with nothing. (Wow, that sentence alone was so indecisive!) So, I really had no intention of actually spending my gift cards (which, by the way, I've had for four months). This was an intelligence gathering mission (we've been watching Alias on DVD, can you tell?). I expected to get some clue of what I might like to buy, or what I might be looking for, but I came away absolutely convinced that I need help! Oooh, maybe a trip to a show like "What Not to Wear" wouldn't be so bad after all....although I absolutely cringe at being the center of that sort of attention. Anyway, the point is, my fashion sense is not to be trusted and I really need someone to walk me through what would even look halfway decent on me. I resisted the urge to just give up the whole thing and buy earrings...which was helped by the fact that even the earrings were way more than I would normally spend on even the most vital necessity.
I had finally decided I'd had enough browsing and was headed for the door when I decided I'd better use the ladies lounge, since my new, and more comfortable destination was by the fountains outside to write down everything about the experience that I then wanted to share here. Alas, it took me 20 minutes just to reach the bathroom and return to the exit (Macy's really is the world's largest department store), and by then my boy was up. No reflecting by the fountains while I sipped an overpriced mocha. Nope, off to the pet store to be entertained by wrestling kittens. As for Macy's, I feel a little like I did after my first day of Junior High..."you mean I have to go back?" Don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for gift cards to spend. I just have no earthly idea how to do it!

Grandma's Memoirs

Could it be? Two posts in a week's time? Yes it could...as long as Luke doesn't get up before I hit "publish." It's been one of those days. I think I just got up on the wrong side of the bed and it's kind of gone that way ever since. Actually, even before that. Luke had been sleeping better, but now it feels like he's regressing. Argh! Who knew sleep could be such a problem?! Most parents, I'm guessing. And God bless people who have insomnia. Though it seems like there should be a co-op of people who can't sleep taking care of those who won't!

What I actually wanted to write about though was that I've been reading my Grandmother's memoirs. What a treasure. I have started them numerous times in the past, but for some reason I could never really get into them. That seems strange because I know all the "characters" and many of the places. It makes me think of trying to read Cannery Row while I worked on Cannery Row; I just couldn't do it. I think I needed to be a wife and mother before I could really appreciate Grandma's memoirs. Now I'm eating them up. It's so interesting, too, because not only are the places where I knew Grandma familiar, but I've now been to so many of the places she was before I knew her. She grew up here in San Diego, and had both of her children here. She lived in Brooklyn, and the D.C. area. So it's fun to hear her talk about places I know in a different capacity. I hope more of my family will write memoirs. Of course, I don't know if I'd ever sit down and do it in that way...though I might. But I have boxes of journals, and there's this.

There is nothing like reading someone else's life story to give you perspective on life itself, and how truly brief each of our lives are. Just a blink of an eye in the grand scheme of the world. That's sobering. Yesterday I read of the two month period in which my grandmother lost both of her parents. Heartbreaking. But it started me on this trajectory. They would have passed on before I was born no matter when they died. After all, they were in their 80's back then...in 1950...27 years before I was born. In some ways it helps to look at our lives with that perspective. Maybe we don't need to take some things so seriously, and maybe we need to take others more seriously. Maybe Luke's sleep problems really aren't that big a deal when compared to the man he becomes and what I do to guide him. (Of course that's an easier task when we're all well-rested). Anyhow, it gave me pause and I've shared it here...hopefully not depressing everyone along the way.

I was just telling my best friend, when she mentioned that I never post (you mean someone actually checks this?) that my blog is quarterly. That made me think I better look and see when exactly it was that I last posted. NOVEMBER! Eeek. I guess the downsized economy of time to myself has meant that we are now combining issues. However, I still deeply desire to be a better, more committed, and consistent blogger! In our work with engaged couples we talk about the difference between ideals and values. We have a lot of ideals, but unless we are willing to make sacrifices in order that those ideals can be lived values, then they are merely ideals, not values. So far, my life as a blogger has been an ideal, but certainly not a lived value. I'm still trying to strike the balance between mommy and homemaking tasks so I feel guilty spending time writing. I'm thinking, though, that since our social activities are so often postponed because of someone's illness (our son's, other people's kids, etc.) then maybe that is how I'll develop my blogging...it'll be a necessary outlet! We have made some sleep improvements that have freed me up, too. Of course, right now I am sacrificing time with my husband. That can't be good. But I do love to write, and it's helpful to me on so many levels. I wrote in my journal last night, which I previously did daily, or at least five days a week. I think my life is missing something when I don't have that outlet for introspection. I can't just sit around and process my thoughts; I do best when I'm able to write them. Honestly, the other place I process best is while washing dishes...but don't tell my husband that! :-) Maybe I need to put myself on a schedule...alott a certain amount of time to writing, either here or in my journal. I like that idea. Hope to see you again, sooner rather than later!

I am a Good Mom, I am a Good Mom . . .

Well, I guess it's about time for my quarterly entry. I don't mean for months to pass by between posts, it just sort of seems to happen that way. Maybe once my son is on more of a schedule...or maybe that's just one more excuse.

Motherhood has been much more of an adjustment than I ever imagined. A good adjustment, but boy they aren't kidding when they say it's the toughest job in the world! And that's for a number of reasons. Of course "hard" is so relative. But parenthood, and motherhood in particular, is "hard" because it's difficult on every possible level: physical, emotional, mental, emotional, spiritual, emotional. Perhaps it's the emotional aspect that makes the others so hard. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a mom. They were also right when they said it's the best job in the world. I am 100%, head-over-heals, irrefutably, in love with my son. I could go on for days about that and tell you every cute little thing he does. I have to check myself in conversation with other moms (or anyone in general) to make sure I'm not constantly saying, well then my son did this, etc...

I have recently realized that the biggest challenge to my role as his mom is my own level of self-confidence. I am my own worst enemy. Every moment I am down or question my ability as a mom is of my own doing. No one is standing over my shoulder saying I'm not doing this or that right...I only imagine the critics. So my goal for this week is not to second-guess myself. I love my son and want what is best for him, so I'm naturally going to make decisions based on that fundamental principle. I'll make mistakes at times, and that's something I have to accept. I definitely have perfectionist tendencies. But I'm going to stop the self-defeating talk. If we don't leave the house for a day, (or two, or three) it doesn't mean I'm a failure. If my son starts crying in the grocery store, well, that's what babies do sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mom.

You get the point. No more beating myself up. I will be a better mom if I believe myself to be a good mom. And at the end of the day, I really do believe I'm a good mom. It's just those little daily doubts in the minutia of it all that drag me down. Well, they're going down now.

A Home isn't a Home Until it's seen a Football Season

Shortly before I met my husband, I had come to the realization that I hated football. I had no use for it whatsoever. Then I met Sal. I had two choices when I met him...accept football, or give up the relationship altogether. Well, I suppose there was a third choice, but a lifetime of resentment wasn't appealing. I'm glad I kept Sal. I can live with football. And now the year is defined by our lazy Sundays where he camps out on the couch and we indulge in pizza.

Fall has always been my favorite season. We were married in the Fall, and maybe that's why Fall feels like home to me. It was in the Fall that we first became a family.

We moved into a new apartment in March and it's never quite seemed like home. I had thought that part of that was that everything was new and different, with the arrival of the baby and adjusting to parenthood; I felt insecure and vulnerable in my new surroundings with my new job. During that time I had this odd sense that fall was just around the corner, even though it was only May when Luke arrived. The weather wasn't particularly fall-ish, and so the only thing I can figure is that it was Divine Encouragement that fall and comfort and a sense of home and, normalcy, and, well, football, were coming eventually.

I still don't love football itself; but I don't loathe it either. And I welcome the feeling it brings...of cool weather, relaxing Sundays, the holidays approaching. When I lived back east I enjoyed fall trips to Amish country. For some reason it just felt right to go there in the fall and buy homemade jams for stocking stuffers. Now I associate that cozy, safe feeling with football and even though it means I lose a large portion of my husband's attention to games and blogs, I welcome the feeling it brings. His passion for the game is fun to watch...most of the time. I guess we're a Fall family. I love the holidays and the weather and he loves the game that defines the season. Of course we live in an area that has one season, but luckily the mountains are only a daytrip away, and the remote is even closer.

The Munch is Here!

Quarterly posts were not exactly what I had in mind when I started this blog. The only excuse I can think of is the same lame one everyone uses...life has been busy.

So, the little guy is here and he's precious. All of the fears I have of taking care of him and keeping him safe remain. I knew lack of sleep would be a huge challenge, and I was right. But we are slowly getting more comfortable in our roles as mother and son. It will be six weeks tomorrow. The trauma of labor and delivery are beginning to feel like a distant memory rather than a raw wound. I seemed to take labor and delivery rather hard. I hesitate to say too much, not wanting to scare my friends, or solidify the memories so much that I fear doing it again. :-) But it is indeed very difficult! Hardest thing I have ever done, physically. Spiritually, too, I would venture to say. Of course motherhood will probably prove to be the hardest thing I've actually done.

Currently my cute little munchkin is sleeping on my lap after having some dinner. Feeding him has also proven to be a challenge. But we are still learning all about that as well!

I have to say, too, that I am so, so grateful for some answered prayers to the intentions of my labor. Two friends who struggled with infertility are now pregnant. Praise God. What a miracle!!! The funny thing is, I think they were both about six weeks when I had Luke. God is amazing!!

Well, hopefully I can get into some sort of routine and write more frequently...especially since I will now be a full-time homemaker and will probably need this outlet. So, so looking forward to settling into this new job!

Funny Fears

January can't be that long ago, right? My time has been eaten away by checking Facebook, I think. That and working, moving to a new place, sleeping.

So, things are moving along here. I don't feel like I have anything particularly profound to write, which is my best excuse for my negligence. I feel like I have tons to do before the little guy arrives. The first trimester seemed to take a while, second flew by and now the third is somewhere in between. I'm super excited to meet my little baby face-to-face, but also terrified of taking care of him on the outside. It's comfortable having him inside...but how do I keep him safe once he's in the world apart from me?! And I find myself ridiculously worried about dropping him...probably because I seem to drop just about everything these days. Everytime I go to throw something away it ends up on the floor next to the garbage! The worst was the other day at dinner. First I knocked over my husband's water glass and then a few minutes later I spilled a bowl of salsa all over my plate. The latter worked well for dipping, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I think I even caught an expression on my husband's face that said, "Are you for real? How on earth did you just do that?" He was quite gracious when he spoke though. So, I'm thinking my clumsiness is the root of my fear that I'll drop the baby! For now, I'm just going to enjoy having him right where he is for now!