Seeds of Discontent

Yea!! My first comment! That's what best friends are for. I have so many things I want to post here...and I'm practically jumping out of my skin trying to figure out where to start. I am convinced that the success of my future lies in looking to the successes of my past. That being said, I'm going to post something I wrote earlier this year. It took 8 months for the seeds of that discontent to sprout, here in this blog...

1.25.08

This has been an interesting week for me. I feel like the Lord is trying to tell me something, or help me rediscover who I am and what my passions are. I took this job basically to bide my time until I had a baby and could leave to be a full-time wife and mother. But that has taken so much longer than I ever imagined it would. And still there is no end in sight.

Along the way, pieces of me have been chipped away, or covered up. I know how to do this job, it’s comfortable, and I’m competent, but it doesn’t bring me any joy. There are moments I like, or maybe the best way to put it is, don’t mind. But more than that, I have come to realize over the past few days that it has really dampened my spirit because all of the things that make me “me” have been covered up. I can play on certain strengths in this job, but not on my passions and talents. I figured that since I was in a ministry that was serving and honoring God, this was a sacrifice He wanted. But now I see that by denying the joys he has put in my heart, I fail to honor Him; and I take the place of someone better meant for this work. The other repercussion is that I have become moody, exhausted, and short-tempered, none of which helps my vocation as my husband’s wife.

As I was working this morning, I thought about the magazine I used to work for. My husband started his own website this week and it didn’t cost much. It made me think that perhaps it was possible for me to also begin my own site, like I always wanted to, dedicated to the intersection of popular culture and faith. Even writing this makes me feel more fulfilled.

Today, another occurrence made me question my current situation and what the Lord might be desiring of me. An actor I once interviewed called our office. I went up shortly thereafter to relieve the receptionist who was on the desk and she was amazed and giddy at having spoken with him. It made me sad. I don’t think so much because I didn’t get to speak with him, but because I missed the excitement of my past jobs. Anyhow, it was further fodder for the thoughts unfolding in my head about where I am to go, what I am to do, and when. Lead me Lord!