Well, I guess it's about time for my quarterly entry. I don't mean for months to pass by between posts, it just sort of seems to happen that way. Maybe once my son is on more of a schedule...or maybe that's just one more excuse.
Motherhood has been much more of an adjustment than I ever imagined. A good adjustment, but boy they aren't kidding when they say it's the toughest job in the world! And that's for a number of reasons. Of course "hard" is so relative. But parenthood, and motherhood in particular, is "hard" because it's difficult on every possible level: physical, emotional, mental, emotional, spiritual, emotional. Perhaps it's the emotional aspect that makes the others so hard. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being a mom. They were also right when they said it's the best job in the world. I am 100%, head-over-heals, irrefutably, in love with my son. I could go on for days about that and tell you every cute little thing he does. I have to check myself in conversation with other moms (or anyone in general) to make sure I'm not constantly saying, well then my son did this, etc...
I have recently realized that the biggest challenge to my role as his mom is my own level of self-confidence. I am my own worst enemy. Every moment I am down or question my ability as a mom is of my own doing. No one is standing over my shoulder saying I'm not doing this or that right...I only imagine the critics. So my goal for this week is not to second-guess myself. I love my son and want what is best for him, so I'm naturally going to make decisions based on that fundamental principle. I'll make mistakes at times, and that's something I have to accept. I definitely have perfectionist tendencies. But I'm going to stop the self-defeating talk. If we don't leave the house for a day, (or two, or three) it doesn't mean I'm a failure. If my son starts crying in the grocery store, well, that's what babies do sometimes. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mom.
You get the point. No more beating myself up. I will be a better mom if I believe myself to be a good mom. And at the end of the day, I really do believe I'm a good mom. It's just those little daily doubts in the minutia of it all that drag me down. Well, they're going down now.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
A Home isn't a Home Until it's seen a Football Season
Shortly before I met my husband, I had come to the realization that I hated football. I had no use for it whatsoever. Then I met Sal. I had two choices when I met him...accept football, or give up the relationship altogether. Well, I suppose there was a third choice, but a lifetime of resentment wasn't appealing. I'm glad I kept Sal. I can live with football. And now the year is defined by our lazy Sundays where he camps out on the couch and we indulge in pizza.
Fall has always been my favorite season. We were married in the Fall, and maybe that's why Fall feels like home to me. It was in the Fall that we first became a family.
We moved into a new apartment in March and it's never quite seemed like home. I had thought that part of that was that everything was new and different, with the arrival of the baby and adjusting to parenthood; I felt insecure and vulnerable in my new surroundings with my new job. During that time I had this odd sense that fall was just around the corner, even though it was only May when Luke arrived. The weather wasn't particularly fall-ish, and so the only thing I can figure is that it was Divine Encouragement that fall and comfort and a sense of home and, normalcy, and, well, football, were coming eventually.
I still don't love football itself; but I don't loathe it either. And I welcome the feeling it brings...of cool weather, relaxing Sundays, the holidays approaching. When I lived back east I enjoyed fall trips to Amish country. For some reason it just felt right to go there in the fall and buy homemade jams for stocking stuffers. Now I associate that cozy, safe feeling with football and even though it means I lose a large portion of my husband's attention to games and blogs, I welcome the feeling it brings. His passion for the game is fun to watch...most of the time. I guess we're a Fall family. I love the holidays and the weather and he loves the game that defines the season. Of course we live in an area that has one season, but luckily the mountains are only a daytrip away, and the remote is even closer.
Fall has always been my favorite season. We were married in the Fall, and maybe that's why Fall feels like home to me. It was in the Fall that we first became a family.
We moved into a new apartment in March and it's never quite seemed like home. I had thought that part of that was that everything was new and different, with the arrival of the baby and adjusting to parenthood; I felt insecure and vulnerable in my new surroundings with my new job. During that time I had this odd sense that fall was just around the corner, even though it was only May when Luke arrived. The weather wasn't particularly fall-ish, and so the only thing I can figure is that it was Divine Encouragement that fall and comfort and a sense of home and, normalcy, and, well, football, were coming eventually.
I still don't love football itself; but I don't loathe it either. And I welcome the feeling it brings...of cool weather, relaxing Sundays, the holidays approaching. When I lived back east I enjoyed fall trips to Amish country. For some reason it just felt right to go there in the fall and buy homemade jams for stocking stuffers. Now I associate that cozy, safe feeling with football and even though it means I lose a large portion of my husband's attention to games and blogs, I welcome the feeling it brings. His passion for the game is fun to watch...most of the time. I guess we're a Fall family. I love the holidays and the weather and he loves the game that defines the season. Of course we live in an area that has one season, but luckily the mountains are only a daytrip away, and the remote is even closer.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
The Munch is Here!
Quarterly posts were not exactly what I had in mind when I started this blog. The only excuse I can think of is the same lame one everyone uses...life has been busy.
So, the little guy is here and he's precious. All of the fears I have of taking care of him and keeping him safe remain. I knew lack of sleep would be a huge challenge, and I was right. But we are slowly getting more comfortable in our roles as mother and son. It will be six weeks tomorrow. The trauma of labor and delivery are beginning to feel like a distant memory rather than a raw wound. I seemed to take labor and delivery rather hard. I hesitate to say too much, not wanting to scare my friends, or solidify the memories so much that I fear doing it again. :-) But it is indeed very difficult! Hardest thing I have ever done, physically. Spiritually, too, I would venture to say. Of course motherhood will probably prove to be the hardest thing I've actually done.
Currently my cute little munchkin is sleeping on my lap after having some dinner. Feeding him has also proven to be a challenge. But we are still learning all about that as well!
I have to say, too, that I am so, so grateful for some answered prayers to the intentions of my labor. Two friends who struggled with infertility are now pregnant. Praise God. What a miracle!!! The funny thing is, I think they were both about six weeks when I had Luke. God is amazing!!
Well, hopefully I can get into some sort of routine and write more frequently...especially since I will now be a full-time homemaker and will probably need this outlet. So, so looking forward to settling into this new job!
So, the little guy is here and he's precious. All of the fears I have of taking care of him and keeping him safe remain. I knew lack of sleep would be a huge challenge, and I was right. But we are slowly getting more comfortable in our roles as mother and son. It will be six weeks tomorrow. The trauma of labor and delivery are beginning to feel like a distant memory rather than a raw wound. I seemed to take labor and delivery rather hard. I hesitate to say too much, not wanting to scare my friends, or solidify the memories so much that I fear doing it again. :-) But it is indeed very difficult! Hardest thing I have ever done, physically. Spiritually, too, I would venture to say. Of course motherhood will probably prove to be the hardest thing I've actually done.
Currently my cute little munchkin is sleeping on my lap after having some dinner. Feeding him has also proven to be a challenge. But we are still learning all about that as well!
I have to say, too, that I am so, so grateful for some answered prayers to the intentions of my labor. Two friends who struggled with infertility are now pregnant. Praise God. What a miracle!!! The funny thing is, I think they were both about six weeks when I had Luke. God is amazing!!
Well, hopefully I can get into some sort of routine and write more frequently...especially since I will now be a full-time homemaker and will probably need this outlet. So, so looking forward to settling into this new job!
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Funny Fears
January can't be that long ago, right? My time has been eaten away by checking Facebook, I think. That and working, moving to a new place, sleeping.
So, things are moving along here. I don't feel like I have anything particularly profound to write, which is my best excuse for my negligence. I feel like I have tons to do before the little guy arrives. The first trimester seemed to take a while, second flew by and now the third is somewhere in between. I'm super excited to meet my little baby face-to-face, but also terrified of taking care of him on the outside. It's comfortable having him inside...but how do I keep him safe once he's in the world apart from me?! And I find myself ridiculously worried about dropping him...probably because I seem to drop just about everything these days. Everytime I go to throw something away it ends up on the floor next to the garbage! The worst was the other day at dinner. First I knocked over my husband's water glass and then a few minutes later I spilled a bowl of salsa all over my plate. The latter worked well for dipping, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I think I even caught an expression on my husband's face that said, "Are you for real? How on earth did you just do that?" He was quite gracious when he spoke though. So, I'm thinking my clumsiness is the root of my fear that I'll drop the baby! For now, I'm just going to enjoy having him right where he is for now!
So, things are moving along here. I don't feel like I have anything particularly profound to write, which is my best excuse for my negligence. I feel like I have tons to do before the little guy arrives. The first trimester seemed to take a while, second flew by and now the third is somewhere in between. I'm super excited to meet my little baby face-to-face, but also terrified of taking care of him on the outside. It's comfortable having him inside...but how do I keep him safe once he's in the world apart from me?! And I find myself ridiculously worried about dropping him...probably because I seem to drop just about everything these days. Everytime I go to throw something away it ends up on the floor next to the garbage! The worst was the other day at dinner. First I knocked over my husband's water glass and then a few minutes later I spilled a bowl of salsa all over my plate. The latter worked well for dipping, but it was absolutely ridiculous. I think I even caught an expression on my husband's face that said, "Are you for real? How on earth did you just do that?" He was quite gracious when he spoke though. So, I'm thinking my clumsiness is the root of my fear that I'll drop the baby! For now, I'm just going to enjoy having him right where he is for now!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Food, Glorious Food
You would think that the best part of being pregnant is being able to eat whenever you want, as much as you want, and, for the most part, whatever you want. Interestingly, I have found this to be the biggest challenge of pregnancy. Well, maybe if you don't count the twice-a-week progesterone injections.
Honestly, it's a challenge to think about what to eat all the time. I could easily beat myself up over what I eat, that I don't eat enough, that I eat the wrong things...or at least not enough of the right things. I'm trying to let go of these little neuroses and just revel in this brief period where I'm actually expected to gain weight. It's such a paradigm shift!
Because I was so surprised by the challenge of this eating all the time, I thought it warranted mention here. Who would have thought! Not me, certainly. And meanwhile my poor husband is hungry too, but dieting so without the luxury of actually being able to indulge the desire to eat. So, I try not to complain too much. Honestly, I can't complain at all. I love being pregnant and if that's the worst I can say about it, that I have to eat all the time, it's pretty laughable. I'd take that any day!
Honestly, it's a challenge to think about what to eat all the time. I could easily beat myself up over what I eat, that I don't eat enough, that I eat the wrong things...or at least not enough of the right things. I'm trying to let go of these little neuroses and just revel in this brief period where I'm actually expected to gain weight. It's such a paradigm shift!
Because I was so surprised by the challenge of this eating all the time, I thought it warranted mention here. Who would have thought! Not me, certainly. And meanwhile my poor husband is hungry too, but dieting so without the luxury of actually being able to indulge the desire to eat. So, I try not to complain too much. Honestly, I can't complain at all. I love being pregnant and if that's the worst I can say about it, that I have to eat all the time, it's pretty laughable. I'd take that any day!
Miracles
I just read my friend, Aubree's, post about being the world's most negligent blogger. I think I win that one. So at my last post, I was 12 weeks pregnant, tomorrow we'll be 21 weeks! Half way there, which seems so unreal. I think when this adventure started I thought it would last forever. At our third appointment, which was at 12 weeks, our doctor asked if we planned to take childbirth classes. I literally thought, "Isn't it kind of early to be thinking about that?" An element of denial, or more likely, just complete disbelief that I am actually pregnant.
The reality is setting in a bit more as my belly expands and I feel precious little brushes and kicks inside. There was a time when I wasn't sure I would ever be so blessed and priveledged to feel another human being living and growing inside of me. I am in awe of the miracle of such a thing and I treasure every little bump and move he makes. It is simply the best feeling in the world! Thank you God!
We had an extensive ultrasound the week of Christmas and learned that our precious little bundle is a boy! His daddy was super excited at the thought of having a little football buddy. Mommy is excited, too, though she wasn't sure at first that she'd know what to do with a boy! Now I can't imagine him being anything else! The depth of love I feel for him is just beyond measure and I look forward to his arrival...though it scares me as well! For now I am treasuring being able to carry him with me without lugging a car seat and diapers. Pregnancy truly is a beautiful thing and the miracle of new life is just that...a miracle.
The reality is setting in a bit more as my belly expands and I feel precious little brushes and kicks inside. There was a time when I wasn't sure I would ever be so blessed and priveledged to feel another human being living and growing inside of me. I am in awe of the miracle of such a thing and I treasure every little bump and move he makes. It is simply the best feeling in the world! Thank you God!
We had an extensive ultrasound the week of Christmas and learned that our precious little bundle is a boy! His daddy was super excited at the thought of having a little football buddy. Mommy is excited, too, though she wasn't sure at first that she'd know what to do with a boy! Now I can't imagine him being anything else! The depth of love I feel for him is just beyond measure and I look forward to his arrival...though it scares me as well! For now I am treasuring being able to carry him with me without lugging a car seat and diapers. Pregnancy truly is a beautiful thing and the miracle of new life is just that...a miracle.
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